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June 13, 2007
Keeping Your Dirty Parts Clean
 Dr. Cooch has a new sponsor!
May 25, 2007
HOLY CRAP!
 The Creation Museum in Petersburg, Kentucky includes displays of dinosaurs frolicking side-by-side with early humans in the Garden of Eden. What other exhibits do they have? Here's what we found before being asked to leave the state:
 The new immigration legislation requires guest workers to prove they have "special skills" by passing a test. Skills tested include:
Working Titles Of Led Zeppelin Songs:
 -Whole Lot of Coitus-Stairway to Peggy’s -Dazed and Befuddled -The Guest Worker Song -Living Loving Maid (I Got a Hand Job) -The Song Will Never Be the Same  Nicolas Sarkozy was sworn in as the new President of France today, replacing that other guy who was president for a bunch of years. Here are just some of the reforms in store for this great cheese-loving republic:
May 11, 2007
Who Will Be The Next Prime Minister of Great Britain?
While Gordon Brown is the odds-on favorite, there are numerous dark-horse candidates in the running:
 --Leon Spinks
--Ricky Gervais
--The Arctic Monkeys
--toast
--a tea kettle on a doiley
--Wallace
Also Considering a Run For PM:
 --Rudy Giuliani
--Queen Elizabeth II
--That creepy actor who does the "Infiniti" car commercials
--Queen Elizabeth I
--Zeus
--Grommit
Home Grown Terrorists Not Quite Mensa Material Six wanna-be terrorists were arrested in New Jersey on charges of planning an attack on Fort Dix. The men accidentally outed themselves by asking a clerk at an area store to transfer their home-made terrorist-training VHS tape to DVD. Several previous warning signs were overlooked or ignored: — In early 2006, a local mail carrier alerted his superiors to some alarming magazine titles received by one of the suspects:
— Suspicions were raised at a crafts boutique when men inquired about having "Jihad 4 U" ironed on to T-shirts and baseball caps, claiming it was for their "collegiate hockey sporting team." — Large backyard gatherings, including chanting, gunfire, and burning of American flags, were written off by neighbors as being "a black thing."  Neighbors figured the ruckus was just a "cookout."  With Dance Dance Revolution classified as a sport, clearly we’ve reached a turning point in Childhood Obesity. But how do you know your little sow has a problem? Easy: Consult these Warning Signs Your Child May Be Obese:
 With the population of New York City expected to increase by 1 million people by sometime next week, mayor Michael Bloomberg has unveiled his plan for a greener New York. His London-inspired congestion pricing is just a small part of his master plan. Here are some other controversial components:
Hipster power! Scientists are even now installing "smugness panels" throughout parts of Brooklyn. Disguised as mirrors and reflective storefront windows, they collect the energy generated by hipster vanity when they surreptitiously admire themselves as they pass. Hassidic Jews out--Amish people in! In order to teach New Yorkers how to be self-reliant and independent of polluting energy sources, Bloomberg will expel the entire Hassidic community from New York City and replace them wholesale with the inhabitants of Pennsylvania Dutch Country. Guilt tolls on all East River crossings. The heretofore toll-free East River crossings will feature "guilt tolls." Instead of paying money, motorists will have to take on board a self-righteous and unshowered environmental activist from Columbia University, who will lecture them on their evil fuel-guzzling ways for the duration of their commutes. Increasing Bicycle Friendliness. To encourage more people to commute by bicycle, Bloomberg will finally abolish the decades-old "points system," whereby yellow cabs and delivery trucks are awarded tax deductions for every New York City bicyclist they kill. Release the Homeless! During his tenure, mayor Rudy Giuliani cleared the millions of homeless from the streets of New York and housed them in a giant underground detention facility miles beneath the city. This facility is a terrific strain on the city's electrical grid and was responsible for the Blackout of 2003, the Red Sox World Series victory over the Yankees in 2004, and the Taco Bell rat infestation of 2007. Massive Propaganda Blitz. As the media capital of the United States, New York is probably still best known for TV shows like "SNL," "Friends" and "Seinfeld." In an effort to negate the negative stereotypes these shows convey, these assholes will get their own reality show. NEWSBITES! NASSAU, BAHAMAS -- Former Anna Nicole Smith boyfriend Larry Birkhead awarded custody of baby Dannielynn.  LOS ANGELES, CA -- Sean Penn to star in upcoming Larry Birkhead biopic.  Radio "personality" Don Imus, who has been suspended by MSNBC for his racially-tinged comments about the Rutgers University women's basketball team, has apparently been trying to arrange a meeting with the squad. However, sources close to Imus think it's more likely he'll send his equally-desiccated celebrity doppelganger Bill Nighy instead:
  New York City is planning to promote circumcisions to deter AIDS infections. Here are some of the slogans in contention to promote the program:
The extra foreskins will be used to repair the plastic surgery disasters of needy celebrities.
April 2, 2007 Becoming a Saint is like entering the Jesus Hall of Fame. Pope John Paul II is on the fast track, but who else has been beatified recently and how did they make the cut?
March 29, 2007
The USPS has finally unveiled the much-heralded Star Wars postage stamps. Here are a few designs that sadly didn't make the cut:
    Other Items Found in Anna Nicole Smith’s Body
(Coif-fee Talk edition)
We fired up the Hotbovine Enlarg-O-Matic to reveal this puzzling chemise on indicted "Wall of Sound" superproducer Phil Spector:
March 17, 2007 1) Do that stupid step-dancing thing 2) Call it "St. Fatrick's Day" and eat instead of drink 4) Shove 36 potatoes up an Englishman’s arse (up your own arse if you're an Ulsterman) 5) Duct-tape your Celtic mouth shut March 15, 2007 Khalid Shaikh Mohammed ConfessionAfter four years of beatings with blunt objects from Home Depot, Al Qaeda's #3 operative has confessed to orchestrating the 9/11 attacks and assassination plots for Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton and the Pope. Mohammed also claims responsibility for:
Mohammed still denies he is actually Ron Jeremy.   WASHINGTON -- Viacom, the company that owns MTV and Comedy Central, sued YouTube in federal court today for "massive copyright infringement." Until the matter is resolved, YouTube's comedy and music content will consist entirely of this slightly amusing Joe Isuzu commercial and this awesome Eddie Van Halen solo. Conspiracy Beat! Up-to-the-second insidious plots, schemes, machinations, and cabals brought to you as we uncover them. Today’s conspiracy: Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama really that white guy from the 1986 hit movie “Soul Man.”   |
| OUR LATEST SPECIAL FEATURE |
  March 30, 2007
 Our homeless movie critic, Skeeter, screens some serious sword, sandal and sodomy when he takes in Frank Miller's "300." March 19, 2007
Hotbovine's high-tech analysis of the search terms that lead to our site has revealed much about our readership: You people are really fucking sick.
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| COMICS! See Paul Bunyan take on the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, and more! MOVIE REVIEWS It's today's cinema, parsed for your feeble brain by a homeless guy named Skeeter, 8-1/2 year old Josh, and guest critic Vince Neil! BLASPHEMY! Unholy screenplays illuminating the adventures of Christ, Mohammed, and the rise of world religion. Plus the truth about the Jews, from sick fuck Mel Gibson. THINGS TO SEE You like lookin'? Well look no further! Or look right here, at least. The Big-Eyed Women, Words—Illustrated!, and more. NEWS & CULTURE VH1 and the untold story of Motorhead; texting and the filthy children who do it; easily digested NewsBites. BROKEBACK ACCOUNTANTS An exclusive look into the world of late-night number crunching. |
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