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Hotbovine’s SuperBowl XLI Coverage!
This year, the Chicago Bears and the Indianapolis Colts are vying for Super Bowl victory. But how much do you know about the strange, sordid past of these bizarre organizations? Read on—and gape in wonder.
 The History of the Chicago Bears
The Bears were founded by Augustus Eugene Staley, a mute Jesuit priest who was raised by orangutans till the age of seven on tiny Mona Palauliki island in the South Pacific. The existence of a single human child and colony of orangutans on a South Pacific island is a mystery which has never been explained. The island has since been obliterated by 1950s United States Atomic weapon testing.
Discovered by an illegal Australian whaling vessel and floating den of sodomy called The Keister Kaiser in 1901, Staley was "rescued" when a retarded shipwright’s assistant mistook the orangutan that was nursing the boy for a  child-eating bear. Though severely retarded, Brian "Bruce" McElroy’s aim was acute: Spattered with the orangutan’s brains, Staley’s scream of "Noooooooooo," was his last word.
Staley’s obsession with "mama bear" (as he thought of his orangutan mother) continued through his relocation to the United States and entry into the priesthood. But after 6 years of sign language from the pulpit of a bewildered congregation outside of Chicago, Staley left the church and founded the Bears (named after his orangu-mother) as charter members of the NFL in 1920, using funds from a secret fortune in Swiss bank accounts. Staley went on to marry six times and later fathered such notables as alterna-metal banshee Chris Cornell (by his 5th wife) and education guru Lucy Calkins (illegitimate).
Staley converted to Zoroastrianism in 1948, Islam in 1954, and finally "Super Duper Islam" in 1967, at which time he began work on the fiendish Jewtron Bomb—a bomb that only kills Jews, but leaves their buildings standing. Shamed by his raging anti-semitism, the Bears organization continues to cover up the relationship with its founder to this day.
In 1947, Staley handed off ownership and coaching duties to George Halas, who ruled The Bears with an iron fist, frequently ripping the limbs off errant players with his bare hands, until his death in 1983 at the hands of Soviet assassins.
Nothing much happened in Bears history from the 1920s, aside from nine league championships and sending 26 players to the Hall of Fame. The Bears are currently NFC champions.
Other notable events and personalities of Bears history:
 Dick Butkus, whose knees exploded in 1973. He walks on wooden "peg legs" to this day. - Walter Payton, who held the all time "rushing" record till 2002, when Emmit Smith eclipsed him as the fastest pre-mature ejaculator of all time, popping his cork in 0.6 seconds. (Payton was a pretty good running back too.)
- The 1985 SuperBowl Champions’ recording of "The SuperBowl Shuffle." The "shuffle" resulted from heavy thorazine doses, which kept the overly enthusiastic players under control between games.
- Coach Mike Ditka was fired in 1992 and the Bears subsequently lost every single game from that time until the present season, in which they are undefeated.
Currently the Bears line-up includes:
- Brian Urlacher: Middle linebacker, NAMBLA member and registered sex offender
- Olin Kreutz: Center and future diabetes sufferer
- Robbie Gould: Place kicker and all around great guy. Except when he’s drinking bourbon. Then, watch out.
- Brad Maynard: Punter and make-up artist
- Devin Hester: Kick returns, crank enthusiast, PhD in German Romantic Poetry
The Bears will encounter a formidable roadblock on Sunday in the shape of the Indianapolis Colts. The story of this team is as homegrown as it is exotic--a true American folk tale. In many ways, the story of the Colts is the story of football itself.
The History of the Indianapolis Colts
One can hardly tell the story of the Indianapolis Colts without first telling the story of Mississippi dry goods merchant Taylor Harding.
 Born in 1798 in Yazoo City, Harding opened a Judaica store in Biloxi at the age of 25. In an effort to draw customers to his nascent enterprise, he recruited drifters, mongoloids, and local drunkards to play in exhibition sporting matches in exchange for day-old bread or small quantities of liquor. The game they played was one Harding had often witnessed slaves playing on the plantations when he was growing up, in which a player attempted to carry a live piglet through a line of defenders and across a goal line. Folk historians now recognize this as the precursor to the modern game of football as we know it today.
Harding's Judaica business did not benefit from the matches, as there were no Jews in Mississipi. Furthermore, Harding himself knew little about Judaism, and most of what he sold were simply strange totems he purchased from local Indians. The store soon closed. However, the games themselves became immensely popular, and Harding realized that this was where his fortune lay.
The game's popularity grew exponentially. By 1860, "Harding's Game," as the sport was now known, was widespread, and most larger US cities had teams which competed against one-another. However, when the Civil War broke out in 1861, all men of sporting age were conscripted into the armies of the North and South. With no able-bodied men to play Harding's Game, the sport all but died out.
 By the time the Civil War ended, a new sport had taken it's place--baseball. By 1869, the first professional baseball team, the Cincinnati Red Stockings, had been formed. Harding, now 72 years old and living in an ashram in the Oregon wilderness, was sickened by the genteel and effeminate character of baseball and by the mincing, dainty manners of the players. Harding left the ashram and began traveling the country, recruiting the strongest, wildest, and most violent men he could find. Some he bought outright from traveling carnivals; others were feral children raised in the wilderness by wolverines or badgers. Still others had been mercenaries in the Civil War.
 But it would take until 1953 for Harding, now 155 years old, to take the grandchildren of the original team he formed to Baltimore, where they were named the Baltimore Colts. Harding, his life's mission finally complete, died quietly in the arms of a Baltimore prostitute, and his remains were cremated, placed in a football, and punted into the Chesapeake. His legacy lives on in the sport of football, and in the Indianapolis Colts, many of whom are direct descendants of Harding's original squad.
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