Pardon me? Gerald Ford, the 38th President of the United States, has joined the other 39 dead presidents in Hell and stunned the denizens of the Inferno by issuing a pardon for Lucifer. The pardon could create a détente or initiate new hostilities in the over 5,000 year dispute between The Lord, God and Satan. In a move that mirrored his infamous pardon of Richard Nixon, Mr. Ford announced at his arrival press conference "Our long infernal nightmare is over," and signed the parchment declaring Satan immune to further punishment and prosecution. President Ford then lost his footing and fell off the dais and into a boiling pool of lava, screaming in agony.   Say it Loud: I’m Dead and I’m Proud James Brown, Soul Brother No. 1, arrived in Hell, formed a new band, smoked PCP, assaulted his horn section and evaded police custody—all in under 72 hours. Upon arrival in Perdition, the legendary Soul & Funk genius immediately put together a new ensemble, including the horn players that blew down the walls of Jericho. However, Mr. Dynamite quickly became dissatisfied with the work ethic of his new horn section. The Godfather of Soul, high on angel dust, fined each player 600 shekels, subdued them with a shotgun and dragged them through the flaming caverns behind his pick up truck—leading Perdition’s sheriffs on a six-Circle-of-Hell chase. Mr. Brown’s whereabouts in the Inferno are currently unknown.   It’s Getting Chile Down Here... In a lavish red carpet arrival ceremony, freshly-deceased Chilean dictator Augusto José Ramón Pinochet Ugarte was greeted by an all-you-can-eat E. coli buffet courtesy of corporate sponsor Taco Bell. (Closeted homo thesp Rock Hudson, introspective sissy rocker Eliot Smith, and milk-slurping brainiac Luis Pasteur were among those writhing in abdominal discomfort shortly afterwards.) Immediately after deplaning, Pinochet attempted a coup d’etat against current President of Hell, Judas Iscariot, who punished Pinochet for his impertinence by skullfucking him with a sliver of the True Cross. Undaunted, Pinochet rallied and enlisted infernal PR firm Goebbels & Co., whose ad campaign "It’s not a Junta—it’s a Fun-ta!" created a groundswell of support for Pinochet which could carry him into office next November if "the Disappeared" get-out-the-vote effort fails.    City Slickers and Bucket Kickers Recently reunited City Slickers stars Bruno Kirby and Jack Palance will reprise their roles in a Perdition-Vision sitcom remake of the Billy Crystal comedy. Newly named Hell Film Board chairman and horrid schlock-meister Aaron Spelling, of 90210 & Dynasty fame, is pulling the producer strings and new arrival Robert Altman will be forced to direct as part of his afterlife punishment. New infernal Entertainment Correspondent Ed Bradley reports the remake will largely consist of the entire cast and crew being dragged through the burning fields of Hades behind a herd of dysentery infected flaming oxen for a thousand years.    Books Aren’t Just For Burning!  Some bestsellers in Hell this holiday season: A Very Grassy Noel, by John F. Kennedy--A book of Christmas rhymes by the scatterbrained former President Ed, You Big Fat Fuck, by Johnny Carson--Reminiscences by the beloved talk show host By Any Genes Necessary, by Dr. Joseph Mengele--Nazi medico and bestselling author of Euginics? Eureka! presents a household guide to racial purification Great Women of History Naked, by Robert Mappelthorpe--Golda Meir, Queen Victoria, Susan B. Anthony, and other powerful yet vile women sunbathe au naturel in this sickening volume     Buena Vista Suffer Club! Master of Cuban son and bolero styles Ibrahim Ferrer mamboed his way into the hearts of Hell's denizens last summer. The late-blooming star was pulverized by a welcoming committee comprised of late pugilists Sonny Liston, Rocky Marciano, Jack Dempsey, Joe Louis and recent inferno arrival Floyd Patterson, then rolled into cigars and smoked by Teamster tough Jimmy Hoffa. A Knife Fight to Remember… Suicidal Japanese literary giant Yukio Mishima and punk icon Sid Vicious squared off with blades, hacking each other haplessly this week—but not to worry, it was all for a good cause! The wild boys' inner organs were auctioned for Generalissimo Francisco Franco's cause-celebre "Firearms for Fascists," supplying Germany's growing right wing nutters with much needed weaponry. Short Stop (hitting me!) Mirthful midget, unofficial "World's Shortest Adult" and celebrity good luck charm Nelson de la Rosa recently arrived in the Diabolical Dugout. The two-footer was perhaps most famous for being held aloft by a be-goggled Pedro Martinez after the Red Sox clinched the 2004 World Series, but he made the most of his short stature throughout his life, appearing in Sabado Sensacional, Sabado Gigante, and The Island of Dr. Moreau, and becoming the inspiration for Mini-Me. The punishment for breaking the Curse of the Bambino and for "belittling" little people everywhere by exploiting his size? Afer being smashed like a pinata by the entire 1923 Yankees squad (including a be-goggled Babe Ruth), he was then condemned to spend Eternity at the completely average height of 5'10". Noooooo!!!! You Scared the CBGBus Out of Me! Legendary New York City punk club CBGB finally closed it's doors for good--on Earth, that is. It's just re-opened here in Hell and a star-studded crowd came to the inaugural show with Casbah-rocking Joe Strummer, pseudo-siblings Joey, Johnny, and Dee Dee Ramone, feces-flinging frontman GG Allin, and classical maelstrom Leonard Bernstein (who conducted "Flight of the Bumblebee" in a pair of crotchless leather pants). Slam-dancing in the crowd were such damned luminaries as comical Fascist Benito Mussolini, angst-ridden scribbler Sylvia Plath, Canuck newsman Peter Jennings, ear-lacking painter Vincent Van Gogh, and prototypical peg-legged New Amsterdam governor Peter Stuyvesant. Unfortunately, everyone inside was torn apart and eaten by a roving pack of cannibalistic revelers from nearby Studio 54.

"All-ah bet they were a-hurtin'!" Glamour boys Mohammed Atta and the 9/11 Hijackers spent the Wood Anniversary of the September 11th attacks lolling around in the arms of virgins. But these weren't the virgins promised in the Koran—these were virgin Jewess succubi with vaginas of sandpaper who mounted the hijackers and then sanded their members and then their entire bodies smooth like so much lumber! The skin-less, shrieking "pilots" were then treated with some mineral spirits & polyurethane stain—leaving them with the crotches of Ken dolls. Ooo, that stings!        Next, the "martyrs" were stacked in a hearth and burned like living, screaming cord wood as Lubavitcher Rebbi Menachem Schneerson and Israeli stateswoman Golda Meir "got all snuggly" and read favorite passages from the Torah in front of the fire. And all that before being served a hearty breakfast—of human feces and pigs feet. Definitely not kosher—or halal, for that matter!  "Stung Through the Heart, and You're to Blame, You Give Stingrays a Bad Name..."  Crocodile-phile Steve Irwin recently arrived on the infernal scene after taking one in the chest from an enraged sea skate.  The amiable Aussie can be forgiven for thinking he had cheated fate and arrived in Heaven.     After all, he was greeted by crocs as far as the eye could see.  Thrilled, he immediately began wrestling them in his trademark manner, until he had a chilling revelation.  They weren't crocs at all!  They were alligators!  And unlike those pussy crocs, they knew how to kick human ass!  Nooooo!!!      It's (Shower) Curtains For You!  Screenwriter Joseph Stefano recently ambled down the Infernal red carpet. In 1960 Stefano horrified millions with his script for "Psycho." Now he, lanky thesp Anthony Perkins, and obese horrormeister Alfred Hitchock himself write in eternal torment, forced to watch an infinite loop of Gus Van Sant's lukewarm 1998 remake.

Hell just got a little cooler... with the arrivals of soul icons Wilson Pickett and Lou Rawls. The vocalists were rather vocal in protesting their diabolical fate: forced participation in eternal reenactments of their most sexual songs with Grandpa Al Lewis of "The Munsters" fame in the female role. "Early Morning Love" indeed!

O Brother Where Ate Thou? Celebrity sibling Chris Penn was rushed immediately to Hell's new culinary hotspot, Fraternity, a members-only theme restaurant where famous brothers feast on famous brothers. Penn's live, writhing un-dead corpse was served on a bed of live crabs to pioneering aviators Orville and Wilbur Wright, damned mirth makers Groucho, Harpo, Chico, Gummo and Zeppo Marx, Siamese siblings Chang and Eng, and fratricidal conqueror of Asia Attila the Hun along with fratricide-ee Bleda the Hun. Penn by all accounts was delicious—until his organs and limbs re-animated and clawed their way out of the diners’ stomachs.

Movin’ On… Down! George Jefferson’s favorite honkie, Franklin Cover, who played Tom Willis on "The Jeffersons," recently arrived in the Inferno. Cover was reunited with his TV wife and the real life mother of Lenny Kravitz, Roxie Roker! The first interracial couple on television, Roker and Cover joined other famed miscegenators—John Smith and Pocahontas and Nicole Brown Simpson among them—for a reception at Thomas Jefferson and Sally Hemming’s bondage dungeon, "The Master’s Bedroom". Proving once and for all that we’re all the same on the inside, the luminaries were raked over cheese graters and rendered into oil!

Be careful what you ask for... As a last wish, Hunter S. Thompson’s ashes were blasted into the sky in Aspen, CO. But his ashes aren’t the only thing! Upon his arrival in hell, the late gonzo journalist himself was stuffed into a cannon and fired into the ceiling of Hell’s firing range for the first time this week. The standing room only audience for the premier was heavy on suicidal musical personalities such as Nick Drake, Ian Curtis and Beatles Manager Brian Epstein. The goody bag for the opening included poisonous cobras, killer bees and rabid wolverines who tore the guests to shreds! Happily, for those who missed it, Thompson will be scraped up, repacked and fired into the very same ceiling every hour, on the hour, for the next thousand years!