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hotbovine jobs
RESUMES |
Nothing says 'career enhancement' like a resume posted on Hotbovine.com. If your business needs a shot in the arm, check out these sure-fire go-getters.
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Pavelcek Prevosniak
Born 1956, Ljubljana, Slovenia
Objective: Horse Jockey
I am horse jockey many years in Slovenia, I am best in my country. If you need jockey, I will develop great career in US. Please contact with phone or screen name is pavprevos-grindel@yahoo.si.
- Very short
- Hard
- Grip like iron
- I hate horse
- If slow horse, I will beat horse to winning.
- No drinking or cocaine
- Any color is horse, I can ride
I am like hard little goblin, best horse jockey. I grip your horse like fox trap no matter is wild. Bite and kick. I hate horse and know how make race.
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Bryan P. Touche (The Tooch!), Sports Enthusiast
19 Old Brook Drive
Saybrook, NJ 09560
letsgojetsgo_57@jetz.com
Objective: To totally and completely support the greatest teams in the known sporting universe.
Experience:
Avid Sports Talk Radio Caller-Inner (1994-present)
* Range of volume can go from level-headed calm to front-row Jovi at
the Meadowlands, '93
* Range of outrage can go from respectful sadness at the death of
drunken Yankee legends to fierce protector of patriotic American
do-goodness and respect for physical perfection as exhibited by the
likes of none other than #2, Derek Jeter (born Pequannock, NJ, 1974;
picked #6 in 1992 amateur draft out of Univ. of Michigan, NY Yankees
debut May 1995)
* Can remain on hold, no bathroom breaks, for 7+ hours
Stats known:
* HR all-time leaders #1-40
* HR leaders, by season, 1950-present
* RBI leaders, by season, 1950-present
* Year of first black, latino, Jewish, and Papua-New-Guinean athletes in MLB, NBA, NHL, NFL
Publications:
* "They Say The Neon Lights Are Bright on Broadway Joe Namath", on
ESPN.com/footballheroes comments section, 12/14/98
* "A-Rod Can Kiss My Ass" letter to New York Daily News, not yet published
* "What Would Johnny Damon Do? Eff the Red Sox's Mothers in Pinstripes Baby!" NYYankees.com, comments section, deleted
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| Education: |
| * Saybrook H.S. (Go Screaming Magpies!), 1992-1996 |
| I missed a lot of junior + senior year core subjects - - but I wouldn't really say I MISSED them! |
| * Laszlo Murtha School of Communications |
| Applicant for advanced radio program, three-weeks for $699 |
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Really Old Tree |
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Petrified Forest |
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Calistoga, California |
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North America, Earth |
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bigthicktrunk@yahoo.com |
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Objective: To outlive you all and watch you suffer. |
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Experience: |
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January 2006 |
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--New exhibit celebrates 100 years of history of Petrified Forest. 100 years?!? My ass has been around since the Triassic! |
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June 24th, 2005 |
| --Revueltosaurus skeleton unearthed near me. Big fucking deal. |
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1880 |
| --Famous writer Robert Louis Stevenson visits Petrified Forest and consults with me. (Stevenson recounts his visit in his booklet, "The Silverado Squatters.") He was a giant douche. |
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1857 |
| --William Travers discovers me. It only took you 200 MILLION FUCKING YEARS! |
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Late Jurassic Period |
| --Rise of the dinosaurs and first birds happens all around me |
| --I'm rooted to the fucking ground |
| --Vegetation greener and more lush (I saw you looking, bitch) |
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Triassic Period: |
| --Revueltosaurus dies near me |
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Education: |
| School of hard knocks. |
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| Objective: |
| To find a position in which I can utilize my many and varied skills. |
| Experience: |
| 2/20/04-Present: |
| White-Hot Fuck Machine |
| --Give the ladies what they want |
| --Cocksman |
| --Have regular parties in my pants, to which everyone is invited |
| --Liase with hot bitches, skanks |
| --Proficient in Word, Excel, and PowerPoint |
| --STD-free since '98 |
| --Type 13.5 words per minute |
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| 7/6/98-12/24/03 |
| Total Fucking Douchebag |
| --Incensed all those around me |
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--Left public toilet seats down, pissed all over seat |
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--Addressed relative strangers as "Boss;" "Chief" |
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Your Wretched Fate
All around you
Moving closer, inexorably, unstoppably
I shall contact you.
Purpose: Pitiless destroyer of your dreams
Procedure:
- Spur your aspirations
- Elaborately mislead you and inspire false confidence
- Beckon for you to "Take the chances life offers you."
- Humiliate
- Methodically exterminate all hope
- Construct spurious appearance of possibility
- Snuff each glimmering, candle-like beacon of promise to magnify your despair
- Ruthlessly annihilate self-worth
- Drive you to gruesome suicide
- Sneer at your ruinous, ignoble, obscene demise
Qualifications:
- Omniscience
- Truculence
- Inevitability
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Buster!!
Pit Bull Terrier Mix!!
ASPCA!!
New York, NY!!
212-876-7700 x4120!! Ask for Buster!!
placement@aspca.org!!
Objective: I wanna be your dog!! I wanna be your dog!! I wanna be your dog!!
Qualifications and Education:
- I bark like this!! "Woof!! Woof!! Woof!! Woof!! Woof!!"
- Sniff!! Lick!! Sniff!! Lick!! Sniff!! Lick!! Sniff!! Lick!! Sniff!! Lick!!
- I’m learning "Sit" and "Down"!!
- I have all my shots!!
- I chase things!!
- Lick!! Lick!! Lick!!
- Jump!! Yip!! Jump!! Yip!!
Experience:
- I’m 14 months old!!
- I’m 35 pounds!!
- I’ve been burned by cigarettes and had my rib broken!!
Relevant Information:
- I’m a good dog!! I’m a good dog!! I’m a good dog!! I’m a good dog!! I’m a good dog!!
- I’m a boy dog!!
- I’m a loyal dog!!
- I’m a good dog!!
- I sing when you play the piano!! Like this!! "Rowr-roo-rooo!!"
- I like to pee outside!!
- I like to poop outside!!
- I like to chew things!!
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"G-Qwan" Shabbat-Shabazz Bigguns |
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Crown Heights |
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BK, New York |
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OBJECTIVE: [FIELD LEFT BLANK] |
| EXPERIENCE: |
| Receiving Specialist of Cash Monies at J.F.K. (Fried Chicken) |
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Conversated with clients
Maintained secretivity of special sauce
Oversaw register/food orders/stacking of Tropical Fantasy up to 6 cases high
Reason for leaving: One time I busted LaQueefa in the face when she called me a jerk chicken |
| SKILLS: |
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Punctuated arrival every day
Implicate procedures with computer, printer and fax
Mad phone |
| ACTIVITIES: |
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Lay down hype tracks at Boo’s Studio (What up B Dogg!!)
First 8-Ball jacket on Utica Ave
Did you see Cookout? That shit was funny. |
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