The Lizard Creature: A 15-foot tall reptilian being with razor-sharp claws and teeth who hisses ominously before attacking
The Ghost of Lou Gehrig: The translucent ethereal essence of the baseball great turned father of one of America's most dreaded and debilitating diseases
Result: The Lizard Creature edges out the Ghost of Lou Gehrig due largely to the failure of the latter's ad campaign: "Lou Gehrig's Disease—Catch It!"
Bono's Smug Sense of Self-Satisfaction vs. Michael Stipe's Aura of Pretense and Growing Irrelevancy
BSSoSS: Overwhelming, treacly—has the consistency of lard
MSGAPI: Makes an NPR radio talk show host seem like a WWE announcer
Result: BSSoSS by a wide margin. The New York Times banner headline: "'Bono Swiped My Hype,' Stipe Gripes."
Korean Dictator Kim Jong Il vs. A Bowl of Ceviche
Kim Jong Il: A totalitarian madman who dresses oddly like Frank Costanza
Ceviche: Ceviche, cebiche, or seviche is a dish of Peruvian origin - a kind of seafood salad. One theory suggests that it got its name from the Quechua "siwichi"; another theory suggests it is derived from the Arabic term "sibesh" (acidic aromatic food) and the participation of Moorish women that came to Peru during the viceroyalty, hence the popular name Tapadas Limeñas.
Result: Ceviche wins by 58%--it's delicious!
Barry Bonds vs. The Toxic Avenger
Barry Bonds: Giant, chemically-enhanced, steroid-addled superman
The Toxic Avenger: Giant, chemically-enhanced, radiation-addled superman
Result: Bonds hits one out of the park, winning by a whopping 78%, and then proceeds to tear Toxie's head from his shoulders with his bare hands.
Mayor McCheese vs. the Hamburglar
Mayor McCheese: According to Wikipedia, "Mayor McCheese is the mayor of the fictional McDonaldland, created for an advertising narrative for the McDonald's fast food chain."
The Hamburglar: According to Wikipedia, "The Hamburglar is a fictional character used in marketing campaigns for McDonald's restaurants. The character was originally introduced as part of the McDonaldland campaign in 1971, aimed at young children. The character is a crook known for stealing McDonald's hamburgers (usually, many at a time)."
Result: The charges of coprophagia hurled at Mayor McCheese appear to have stuck to his juicy, cheesy surface and cost him the election. The Hamburglar steals victory by a 72% majority.
RuPaul vs. Colonel Sanders
RuPaul: Fabulous male-to-female transvestite house music superstar
Colonel Sanders: Fabulous female-to-male transsexual chicken franchise founder
Result: Dead heat means candidates must now compete in winner-take-all dance-off; the Colonel is the heavy favorite. Tune in to Fox next week for the action.