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 HotBovine's Election InfoWad:

Busting a nut full of warm, sticky electoral results all over your monitor!  

Selected returns from some of America's most hotly-contested races:

 

David Bowie's Underpants vs. Mick Jagger's Toothbrush

David Bowie's Underpants: Have housed one of the most sexually omnivorous set of genitals in Rock n' Roll history

Mick Jagger's Toothbrush: Purchased from a London chemist in the late '60s and used weekly ever since

Result: Jagger's Toothbrush by 68%--Bowie's crab-ridden underpants no match for the host of bacteria and STDs housed in the bristles of Jagger's fetid mouthstick.

 

 
Cancer vs. AIDS

Cancer: One of America's leading killers

AIDS: A modern-day plague of Biblical proportions

Result: AIDS wins with a narrow 52% majority--voters express dissatisfaction with Cancer's propensity for attacking the ass, breasts, and genitals. 


Consumption vs. Brain Fever

Consumption: Victorian-era lung affliction

Brain Fever: Victorian-era cause of insanity

Result: Brain Fever carries the day due largely to catchy ad campaign: "Brain Fever--Catch It!" 


 

The Lizard Creature

vs.

The Ghost of Lou Gehrig

 

The Lizard Creature: A 15-foot tall reptilian being with razor-sharp claws and teeth who hisses ominously before attacking

The Ghost of Lou Gehrig: The translucent ethereal essence of the baseball great turned father of one of America's most dreaded and debilitating diseases

Result: The Lizard Creature edges out the Ghost of Lou Gehrig due largely to the failure of the latter's ad campaign: "Lou Gehrig's Disease—Catch It!"


 Smug

 Bono's Smug Sense of Self-Satisfaction vs. Michael Stipe's Aura of Pretense and Growing Irrelevancy

Irrelevant 

BSSoSS: Overwhelming, treacly—has the consistency of lard

MSGAPI: Makes an NPR radio talk show host seem like a WWE announcer

Result: BSSoSS by a wide margin. The New York Times banner headline: "'Bono Swiped My Hype,' Stipe Gripes."


Korean Dictator Kim Jong Il vs. A Bowl of Ceviche

Kim Jong Il: A totalitarian madman who dresses oddly like Frank Costanza

Ceviche: Ceviche, cebiche, or seviche is a dish of Peruvian origin - a kind of seafood salad. One theory suggests that it got  its name from the Quechua "siwichi"; another theory suggests it is derived from the Arabic term "sibesh" (acidic aromatic food) and the participation of Moorish women that came to Peru during the viceroyalty, hence the popular name Tapadas Limeñas.

Result: Ceviche wins by 58%--it's delicious!


Barry Bonds vs. The Toxic Avenger

Barry Bonds: Giant, chemically-enhanced, steroid-addled superman

The Toxic Avenger: Giant, chemically-enhanced, radiation-addled superman

Result: Bonds hits one out of the park, winning by a whopping 78%, and then proceeds to tear Toxie's head from his shoulders with his bare hands.


Mayor McCheese vs. the Hamburglar

Mayor McCheese: According to Wikipedia, "Mayor McCheese is the mayor of the fictional McDonaldland, created for an advertising narrative for the McDonald's fast food chain."

The Hamburglar: According to Wikipedia, "The Hamburglar is a fictional character used in marketing campaigns for McDonald's restaurants. The character was originally introduced as part of the McDonaldland campaign in 1971, aimed at young children. The character is a crook known for stealing McDonald's hamburgers (usually, many at a time)."

Result: The charges of coprophagia hurled at Mayor McCheese appear to have stuck to his juicy, cheesy surface and cost him the election. The Hamburglar steals victory by a 72% majority.


RuPaul vs. Colonel Sanders

RuPaul: Fabulous male-to-female transvestite house music superstar

Colonel Sanders: Fabulous female-to-male transsexual chicken franchise founder

Result: Dead heat means candidates must now compete in winner-take-all dance-off; the Colonel is the heavy favorite. Tune in to Fox next week for the action.

 


 Matthew Lesko vs. ChiaPet

Matthew Lesko: Question-mark clad infomercial freak

ChiaPet: Terra-cotta mammal with alfalfa for fur

Result: Millions in free government money weren't enough to help Lesko, as the ChiaPet swept to glorious, verdurous, leafy green victory with nothing more than water and patience

 

Lemmy Kilminster of Motorhead vs. Lance Bass of N'Synch

Lemmy Kilminster: Grittiest man in Rock 'n Roll

Lance Bass: Recently self-outed boy band member

Result: Lemmy proves unpopular in predominantly gay Castro district of San Francisco; Bass's "Bass Wants to Lance your Ass" campaign carries the day.


Bruce Dickinson vs. Ronnie James Dio

Bruce Dickinson: Shrill-voiced lead vocalist of metal icons Iron Maiden

Ronnie James Dio: Shrill-voiced lead vocalist of metal icons Black Sabbath and Dio

Result: Both candidates simultaneously concede election to dark-horse third party candidate Rob Halford of Judas Priest and decide to form ear-splitting, dual-pronged metallic vocal assault side project band called Dick 'n Dio.


George Clinton vs. Flavor Flav

George Clinton: Charismatic, colorfully-attired Parliament Funkadelic frontman

Flavor Flav: Loopy Public Enemy sidekick and comic relief given to wearing clocks

Result: Both adopt campaign slogan "Nigga Please!" Flava wins by a narrow 51% majority when he chains himself to the Williamsburg Savings Bank clock tower ( Brooklyn, NY's tallest building) and claims it is his "dopest" necklace to date.


Aunt Jemima vs. The Quaker from Quaker Oats

Aunt Jemima: Syrup Negress

Quaker Oats Quaker: Oatmeal Quaker, passing octoroon

Result: Quaker Oats guy carries the day thanks to the Fundamentalist Christian vote in his district.


Angelina Jolie's Gynecologist vs. Madonna's Voice Coach

Angelina Jolie's Gynecologist: Heavy leather gloves, a welding mask, and a South American medical degree

Madonna's Voice Coach: A lice-ridden baboon named Ethel

Result: Ethel wins by default when Angelina Jolie's Gynecologist vanishes in her crotch, never to be seen or heard from again.


Keith Richards' Heroin Addiction vs. Charles Grodin's Barbiturate Addiction

KRHA: Strong as Iron

CGBA: Tough as Nails

Result: KRHA—the hardest drug-using man in showbusiness's lust for junk trumps the barbs by a 20% margin of victory.


Dave Mustaine vs. Kirk Hammet

Dave Mustaine: Metallica's original guitarist, he wrote all their good guitar parts

Kirk Hammett: His effeminate replacement, despised by true metalheads everywhere

Result: Mustaine, baby! There's gonna be some mullet-shaking in Jersey tonight!

Check out HotBovine's Election InfoWad Part 2: Voting shenanigans & irregularities!

 




 
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