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What's up dudes? Vince Neal here, ready to write another rockin' movie review for Hotbovine! Fuck yeah!
Before I do that, though, I want to send out a sincere apology to those of you who caught recent Crüe shows in Cleveland, St. Louis, and Kansas City. I know you dudes came out and paid a lot of scratch to see a kick-ass show. But Vince just cannot give any less than 100%. It's all or nothin' with VN, baby. And Vince isn't as young as he used to be. So when my chronic lower back pain starts firin' up, that's when I sign off. You gotta listen to the bod. So for those of you who only got one Crüe song and then had to hear Mick Mars read aloud from Beowulf for the rest of the evening, I'm sorry. But rest assured, the Crüe will be back to rock you to the ground-as soon as I finish my yoga regimen.
Anyway, yeah, the Hotbovine dudes really liked my "Invincible" review, so they hooked me up with the funds to check out another one called "Happy Feet." It's one of those animated movies and it's about penguins. Not like "March of the Penguins," which was about real penguins and was narrated by that guy from "Shawshank Redemption," Frederick Douglass. (Or like that awesome Spanish porn I saw one time, "March of the Pengas.") Instead, "Happy Feet's" totally made up and a cartoon.
First off, I gotta say the thing that really bugged me out about this movie is it's supposed to be for kids, but it's totally too heavy for kids. The story's really complicated and it deals with real adult issues. Like, I even had trouble following it, and I'm in my, uh, twenties. If VN can't understand it, how's a 10 year old kid gonna? I mean, I read that dumb kid Josh's last review and, not for nothing, that kid's not gonna get this shit. I did get the basics, though.
It's about a bunch of penguins in Australia who all sing. But this kid, Mumble, who's also a penguin, can't sing. Thing is, he tap-dances like a motherfucker. But the other penguins (a.k.a. “society”—hey, that's heavy, I just got that) don't like dancing and they boot him out. But he finds a whole other crew of penguins who think tap dancing is the shit and they party in a righteous fashion. Just like the early days of the Crüe, when we got banned from that shitty club in Pasadena and then became the house band at the Whiskey, rockin' the Strip nightly! Fuck yeah!
I'm kinda cloudy on the ending though. What happened was, about 40 minutes in those movie theater seats started raising hell with the lower back. So I popped a few back pills to get me through. Now, I've been clean for like 10 years, so the old tolerance is down and those back pills can really hit me hard. Not too long after I took 'em, I kinda forgot I was in a movie. I thought I was at home on the couch in front of the 60-inch plasma. And of course I brought this hot stripper chick, Amber, with me. I was feeling pretty good from the pills at this point so we started making out. And like I said before, Vince can only do things at 100%, so it wasn't long before Amber was riding me like a walrus riding an ice floe. But that didn't go over with all the moms and kids in the theater, so they booted my ass out before the end of the movie.
Still, though, you should definitely check it out. This movie totally makes you think and look at shit different. Also the penguins kinda represented people. Amber the stripper told me that's satire. I never knew what that was before! She's smart as shit, man. I ought to get her to do my taxes.
Anyway, this has been Vince Neil, rockin' you review style!
Until next time,
This kid Mumble tap-dances like a motherfucker.
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