Easter Symbols: EXPLAINED Everyone knows that Christianity swiped its best symbols from the "pagans"  to make an unpalatable Jesus go down smooth. Yeah, yeah, we know what you’re thinking: "Maybe if Jesus were made of chocolate he’d have been easier to swallow." Nah.  Anyhow, only the "faith based community" refuses to accept the "fact based community’s" evidence. But for once, Hotbovine is siding with the religious nuts, bible thumpers and Jesus-hoodoo-bone-rattlers. We agree. Sort of. Those factual explanations just ain’t got no soul. That’s why we’ve come up with our own explanations in Easter Symbols: EXPLAINED Easter Eggs: Why all the eggs at Easter? Simple: Jesus was big on omelets. REAL big. According to the Gospel of Brandon, Christ "ate 4-5 omelets each week. Not three eggs either. I’m talking five, six eggers. Lots of cheese too, especially feta." Leading bible health authorities surmise that if the Romans hadn’t killed him when he was 33, his cholesterol would have taken our Lord from us by the time he was 37. Lilies: Simon Peter, the apostle, had, like, a huge crush on a girl named Lily, so he begged Jesus to wear a lily in the lapel of his robe, which really turned Lily’s head. One year later, Lily had twin boys. Their names? Simon and Peter, naturally. Awww! Chicks: Speaking of the ladies, let’s just say our Lord and savior was a real sweet talker himself. The "Sermon on the Mount" was nothing compared to his sermon on "How I’d like to Mount ‘Ya, Baby." Bunnies: It’s a fact: Jesus was more paranoid than Ozzy in the early 70s. Hey, you would be too if the God of the Israelites was breathing down your neck. That motherfucker was vengeful back then. And all of God's eggs were in one big, Jesus-shaped basket (so to speak) for this death-and-resurrection gambit. With Jesus so pressed to make God’s plans come off without a hitch, he eavesdropped on everyone. The Gospel of Lester teaches us "Lo, the Prince of Peace wished for two long floppy ears with which he could hear all our prayers. And spy on us. And the Romans and the Pharisees too. And he kept rabbits around at all times, for they were soft and cute and the Lord’s burdens were heavy. And everybody knows pets relieve stress. Amen." Candles: In addition to being the son of God, Jesus was scared of the dark and kept candles lit through the night. Unfortunately, he was also a pyromaniac and he burnt down half of Nazareth. That’s the real reason the Romans tacked him up on the cross—public safety. Lambs: Growing out of his paranoia, Jesus wanted to make sure his followers did exactly as God ordered them to do, so he chose the lamb as a symbol for it’s ‘total sucker’ qualities. Our Lord also considered fish in a barrel.   Back to Hotbovine Home        Enjoy Blasphemy? There's more here!  Comments? Hotbovine Testimonials "Hotbovine is the funniest satire site in the whole world. Mommy says that comedy is for losers, but daddy said she's stupid." —Josh Hurwitz, age 8-1/2, Hotbovine Movie Reviews film critic "The comics on this site are the funniest shit you will ever fucking read [citation needed]." —from the Wikipedia entry "Hotbovine.com"